Hidden Shadows
by Bairn
Summary: Sam writes a letter to Connie. 3 parts.
1. Chapter 1

_I still have a few hidden shadows, some things I'd rather remain in the past until I trust someone enough to share these secrets that eat away at me day in, day out. The sadness lingers like a heavy, dark rain cloud following my every step and I wish, I wish for nothing more than for one day to perhaps do the right thing, just for once. Each day I awaken, I lay there in a trance wondering what life would be like if I'd done what my heart had told me to rather than my stupid bloody mind. I was always tripping myself up, digging holes deep enough to fill my body in 6ft under and then some. I'm growing tired of being this unreliable, almost immature, joke of a 35 year old man. I had to find the strength inside to change, to do the right thing. _

_I feel the weight of the world being carried upon my shoulders, unable to relax as I exercise my muscles, stretching as I put my two feet firmly on the ground, pushing myself to stand like it were an unearthly challenge, as if I were ill again. I try to push aside the uncertainty and anxieties I have of another new day faced with unpleasantries. I force my pursed lips into a smile as her chirpy voice nears, her head curving itself around the door, her long brunette locks bouncing as she tells me breakfast is ready. I tell her I'm just going to change, I won't be a moment and as she turns away my smile fades. My stomach churns, the vomit rearing its ugly head as I sway a little, taking in some deep breaths and it's then that I decide I can't live like this any longer. _

_I wander through to the kitchen, perching on the stool beside the breakfast bar and I look at the plate of food that is pushed in front of me, a heart attack on a plate but accompanied by at least one of my five a day, a tall glass of orange juice. I take a sip and I can feel myself ready to heave but I feign choking, excusing myself suddenly as I close myself in the bathroom, grasping the sink as I look at myself in the mirror, my skin drained of all colour as I began to shiver and sweat. This isn't me I whisper, repeating it over and over until the tears form in my eyes and then the fear escapes me. _

_Her presence is demeaning as she acts like she knows what's wrong with me, diagnosing me with a stomach bug or food poisoning. I want to swipe at her and tell her to just go away and leave me alone but I haven't even the energy. I utter the words "I'm ok," only to be amidst another one of Jen's argumentative ways because of course she's always right and so she pulls me up to my feet and acts like I'm an invalid, dragging me back to bed, tucking me in and dabbing at my forehead with a wet flannel but she's no Florence Nightingale. For a moment I hallucinate, I picture someone else, someone important to me and I pine for them. I long for her to rest against the side of my bed and sweep my hair from my face as she gently presses the cool cloth against me. I imagine her sitting in a chair next to me on a bedside vigil, the two of us watching a movie or something and then I hear Jen's voice again and she's gone. _

"_Go to work."_

"_I don't want to leave you." _

"_I'll be fine, I'm tired. I'll sleep it off. Go." _

"_Fine, but if you need anything at all just phone me and I'll be straight back. Ok?" _

"_Go." _

_I slouch down in the covers as I hear the door slam shut and open the top drawer of my bedside cabinet, pulling out a pocket filled with photographs. I flick through them all one by one, taking each of them in as I trace my nimble fingers over them lightly, the heat pricking at my eyes as the hot wet trails made their way down my cheeks. My heart had never ached so much as it had now, with each day gradually getting worse than the one before. I wish to see them just one more time but I know my time is running out. I want to do it in the least painless way I can, for their sakes I want to protect them because they're all I have left._

_I struggle to my feet, taking the photographs with me, surrounding the desk I sit down at with even more pictures as I pull the pen and paper from my drawer. I open the pad and flatten the paper hovering my pen over it but I pause trying to think of what to say. It is all there in my mind what I want her to know, what I want my daughter to know but it kills me to have to do it this way. Finally I tell myself it's the only option I have left and it's for the best, for them. It is always for them. _

_I wipe away the tears that attempt to stain the page but I don't worry about it because then she'll know it was written from the heart and perhaps take my words more seriously. I gently fold the paper up and slip it inside the envelope neatly, sealing it shut before I address it. I take a stamp from inside my drawer and stick it firmly on the right hand corner. I slide my feet in a pair of shoes, put my coat on and zip it shut, wrapping a scarf around my neck to fend off the cold autumnal air, ready to face the day. I pick up the letter and head outside, down the lift and walk out into the street. I wander for a while in a daze until I've finally mustered up the courage to push my letter through the mail box. I grasp hold of my photo as I let it go, holding onto all that I have left, a beautiful picture of all four of us the last time we were altogether here in New York. I cried tears of happiness as I absentmindedly walked into the road, happy that I'd said everything I've always longed to. Happy that I went the way I chose to. _


	2. Chapter 2

_**Thank you so much for the reply. :) **  
_

_I run my fingers faintly over each handwritten letter on the front of the envelope, a small surge of pain shoots through me as I nervously stare at it like I have done for the past hour. I pick the letter up and I take in his scent that still lingers fragrantly upon the crisp paper. The tears sting my eyes as I picture him and I cry at the thought that one day I'll go into my memory and look for him but his face will no longer be there. Sitting the envelope in front of me once more, hands back in my lap, fiddling with them but my eyes still firmly glaring at this letter. I knew it would entail something incredibly sad and in the couple of days since his tragic death all I have done is cry for him, for our daughter and for me because he's left me, forever._

_I pour the remaining contents of the wine bottle and neck it quickly, wincing at its overpowering tang in the back of my throat, burning it with its acidity. Picking up the bottle of brandy, I drench my glass in it, swirling the dark liquid before swallowing the whole measurement in one go and then I think I can do it, I have the courage to open this letter and read it but I pick it up and I just can't. I fear the contents, his words being so final and I know I'm being a coward because I don't think I can handle that amount of pain and guilt. The guilt of being the parent who is here, who is alive yet I'm left with all this stuff, this god awful feeling of emptiness and heartache. I had to tell my little girl that her father was never coming to see her again, that he's away to a better place than us and as any 5 year olds response would be she can't understand why we can't go with him too. I feel so exposed, angry with him for leaving us but most of all I feel an incredible amount of guilt for not being there when he needed us but most of all not being together from the beginning and then perhaps this wouldn't have happened. _

_Looking up at the clock on the kitchen wall, I study the time and realise I've been sat here since I put Grace to bed late last night. I kept her up later than usual just so I wouldn't be alone with my thoughts but here I am at 5am, giddy with the copious amounts of wine and brandy I've laced myself with. I get up and look in the mirror, the creases in my face deepening, cinching in at my blood shot eyes, stinging from all the crying I've done. I decide enough is enough and put a pot of coffee on, taking it with me upstairs with my letter, opening my balcony doors and placing them on the table. I quickly sneak into Grace's room and watch her sleep, sweeping a lock of hair from her face so I can kiss her gently on the forehead, slipping out of the room quietly and back to mine. I take off what remains of my smudged make up and take a seat outside, crossing my legs on the chair, tucking my feet in then wrap a large blanket around myself to keep away the chill, not that I can feel it, my body so numb anyway. I nimbly trail my fingers across the front of the envelope, turning it around, slicing it open with my stationery knife to reveal its beautifully handwritten contents._

_The sun peeked over the hills in the distance, the dark night inky blue colours fading into the gentle yellow warmth that filled the sky as I read. His voice echoing each word he says in my head, like he's here telling me all of this. The hot tears stung my eyes as I realised amidst all this that I was reading it the way he would have wanted me to. We used to sit here in the mornings on the odd occasion he'd help me with Grace, give me a night off when I let him. He would wrap her up in her warm blankets and gently rock her back to sleep as he watched the sun begin to rise. It was his favourite time of day and his fondest memory of Grace as a baby but what I never told him was that it was my most cherished too. _

_I wished to stop reading, to block hearing his voice so my heart would stop wrenching because all the pain he details greatly, I can feel too but my impulse makes me carry on reading through the blurred vision. I take in every single word, each of them precious and cry with such sorrow at every admission he makes. I'm angry that he didn't phone me to tell me these things, to hear his voice one last time, to even ask us to come and visit so we could say goodbye together. There were so many moments missing in our life but the more I read, the more I come to understand that we had those, we just forget they ever existed because we want more, we always want perfection but it already is just that, perfect. I know this is how he wanted it to be and that's all that matters. He wished for nothing more than to protect us from this love but there's so many things that were left unspoken, to put right because I always thought there would be tomorrow and now there is no tomorrow, not for us. _

_I spot the mark against the paper, clear but evidently creased where something had been spilt and I envisage him writing this, crying because this was the only way he could say these things and it killed him as much as it kills me reading it. My salty tears mix with his, blending together like we always had done as I finish reading his last few words to me. I clutched the paper close, hugging it against my aching chest as the words welded into my mind and I cried hysterically. I longed for his arms to wrap themselves around me, grip hold of me in a tight embrace, whispering softly in my hair that everything would be alright but it never will be, not after this. Not without my soul mate. _

_There is no smoke without fire._


	3. Chapter 3

_**Thank you so much for your reply. :) Means a lot. Last part. **  
_

_The Letter_

_Dear Connie, _

_I'm writing to you, for I cannot speak these words over the phone or via any other communications. I have to tell you this in the most heartfelt way and this is the second best thing to seeing you face to face. I wish it were possible to see you but I'd rather save you both from the pain, it wouldn't be fair. I wanted to tell you that my cancer is back but you'll be the first to know apart from my doctor. It's better this way. No one fussing around me and treating me in a way I don't deserve to be. Despite writing it down on this paper, it still doesn't seem real but I don't want you to worry, I am telling you because you have a right to know and you're the only person I would ever share this with believe it or not. It's back but with a vengeance this time. I wanted to come home but I'm too ill, hence the letter. I'm so sorry I have to do it this way but it's for the best that Grace doesn't see me like this, or you. When you get this letter I'll be gone. I don't plan on being taken on 'my time' because it's too arduous. _

_I want you to know that you'll both be taken care of. I've left equal shares for both Grace and Kieron and the rest I have left to you to help bring up our daughter. I know you don't need it but I want you to have it all, it's important to me that I see you both right. I set up a trust fund for Grace when I found out you were expecting all those years ago. I would like you to keep it until she's 18, put it towards her university fees or buy her first car with it, her first holiday to Ibiza with her friends or whatever she wants. I just want her to remember that I loved her unequivocally. When I'm gone, you'll receive some letters. I don't want you to open them but keep them safe for me please? I've written a few so that I'll always be there when something big happens in her life. There's one for her graduation, her wedding day and even the birth of our first grandchild if she ever chooses to go down that route. It's just things I would like to say if I ever got the chance and I've done the same for Kieron although he probably won't appreciate them as much or me for that matter. I hope he turns out better than I ever have done and keeps in touch with his little sister, he dotes on her and I know he thinks highly of you so if you can give him a chance for me? You don't owe me anything and I'd understand but it would make me so happy to one day see you all together. _

_And finally, I'd like to apologise for the absolute arsehole I have many a times been throughout the years we've become 'acquainted'. Part of the reason why I wrote this morbid letter was because I didn't want a slap in the face from you again. ;) No, really, I wanted to spare you from hurting. I remember your reaction the last time and it pained me to see you that way. I love you far too much to put you through that again and if you're wondering if I really just said that I love you then I really did. I've never loved Jen and I never intended to. It's always been you. It's only ever been you. I've loved you for as long as I can remember even when we were fighting, I always fought back because of that love for you and for Grace. You're my soul mate Connie, it's just a shame I can't tell you this in person. I always imagined the day I would but it's not to be my darling. _

_On a lighter note, I hope you're both well and that you're happy and content with life. Oh and one last thing, you have my permission to send Grace to private school although I know you already enrolled her when she was merely a few months old. I just want what you want but please, don't let Grace forget me. I love you both more than words can even describe, forever and always. _

_Love as always, _

_Sam _

_XxxxxxxX_


End file.
